


How Do I Go On?

by icouldgonova



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, I am so sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Les Amis de l'ABC - Freeform, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, References to Depression, Wakes & Funerals, it is really sad, why do i ask to suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:45:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icouldgonova/pseuds/icouldgonova
Summary: In which Icarus got tired of being burned by the sun, and decided it was time to shed his wings and plummet.Alternatively: A very short fic showing Enjolras struggling in the wake of the worst tragedy that could have happened to him.





	How Do I Go On?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm crying  
> You will be crying  
> Don't say I didn't warn you
> 
> As you may have seen in the tags, there are definitely references to suicide and alcoholism (although nothing is mentioned explicitly). Please take care of yourself and stop reading if at any point you feel triggered.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)

Enjolras was the only one who didn't go to the funeral. He couldn't bring himself to show up: to hear his friends crying and see flowers and suits and stupid little water coolers that Grantaire would have hated. And because Grantaire should be there himself to make fun of the eulogies and smuggle wine into the reception. And Enjolras should be rolling his eyes and telling him off. 

The ironic thing is Enjolras hadn't realized how much he had needed Grantaire. How much his jokes and stupid comments had helped reduce his own tension and how relieved he had felt when he saw the boy was sober. It was so rare. And yet Enjolras was aware, now, that the first thing he looked for when he got to ABC meetings was the curly hair and blue eyes. He also realized how his stomach had knotted when Grantaire had arrived wasted, or hadn't arrived at all. 

He realized all this, of course, too late. He thought with a sick feeling that maybe, maybe if he had been less harsh, or told Grantaire even once how much he had meant, this wouldn't have happened. 

Grantaire had always had self destructive tendencies. But the thought of Grantaire, alone, desperate, hating life and hating himself enough to do this...well, it killed Enjolras. 

So in the end, he skipped the funeral. Instead, without really knowing why, he made his way to Grantaire's apartment: a dingy flat above an extremely sketchy, extremely old music store. The familiar scent of paints, beer, and soap gave Enjolras a sharp twinge of grief. He remembered the first time he had been here, how surprised he'd been at the flat's cleanliness, at the beautiful art scattered around. He remembered all the times he'd come back, wanting...he didn't know what. Wanting just to see Grantaire. 

The space seemed empty and mundane without him. 

Enjolras sat down and looked at the paintings around him. The colors were bold and bright, each subtlety different. That was always Grantaire's talent: his ability to convey such strong emotion through colors and shapes. Enjolras wondered how someone so unhappy could create art with so much vibrance, so much life. 

Something caught Enjolras' eye. He knelt on the floor and picked up the soft green folds of what he recognized as Grantaire's favorite sweatshirt. Hesat down and buried his face in it, smelling Grantaire's cologne and feeling the worn fabric on his face. 

And finally Enjolras cried. He cried and cried, loud, angry sobs. Because he had wanted to save the world, but he hadn't even been able to save the boy he loved. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you notice any mistakes or have any thoughts, please leave a comment!!!


End file.
